Jokes

[stb74]

Just went through 6 pages and decided that it best start a new one.

[AlanMcC]

Ordered a chinese last night, the chink turned up at my door and said £20 prease, I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordan's blind son?" He said " halfey price"I replied "cheers mate here's a tenner now **** off"

[Marco]

Top tip for when your feeling shxt, Wear gloves.

[Marco]

Paddy's in court for his divorce and the judge says im awarding your wife and kids £60 per week, Paddy says thanks your honour i was think of giving a few quid myself.

[whinger]

says two monkeys in a bath and one says; oo aa aa oo ee aa ee. The other says; well put some bloody cold water in then!

[TakeAbowSON]

Old man kneeling by the bed, wife says what ru praying for? he says guidance she says pray for stiffness and i will guide it myself.... ;)))

[American airlines]

Most men have nicknames for their cocks.Mine was given to me by my last girlfriend, whilst giving me head.She called it, "The Imalper". Yes, the impaler!Or at least thats what I thought she said.Turns out she was Asthmatic, and it's my fault she died.

[whinger]

Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney , Ashley Cole , John Terry , Vernon Kay , Mark Owen. What have they all in common?............... Wives who obviously need to make more of a fucking effort.

[The Guvnor]

I met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection. As I suggested sex her legs went to jelly and she fell at my feet. These taser guns are well worth the money.

[Tommy_Belfast]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said..
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused..
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well .... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[whinger]

I've been arrested three times in the last two weeks for beating my wife to a pulp.
On the third time being arrested, the police officer asked me: "Why do you keep beating her?"
I replied: "It's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork.